I remember like it was yesterday how the pain crept up to my throat like poison, I was so upset that I decided to take a shower. Water always has a way of soothing my pain. It was silly but it all started with an insta-story.
A friend of mine visited my town without telling me, and ended up having so much fun without inviting me. As I was glancing at the insta-story my “abandonment issues demons” took over. They were so quick to react, that before I could even process what was happening to me, my chest was in pain.This is what happens when we train our bodies to respond to our demons.
As predicted when our self-worth is being questioned our mind loves to revert to a specific defense mechanism (criticism, silencing, running ect..) in hope to protect itself. In my case it was the blame game; I blamed my friend for being a terrible and horrible person; a list of nasty thoughts questioning my friend’s character rolled through my head. Yet the faster the thoughts came the worst I felt about myself.
So we may ask ourselves; Why is that? the truth is, although our mind tries to protect us with lies, our inner being never lies. It wasn't my friend’s action that caused the pain I was feeling, it was how I really felt about myself.
As the water from the shower ran down my back and my thoughts were racing uncontrollably, I did the unthinkable; I decided to ask myself “why was I feeling this way?”. We never get to ask ourselves the why? the mind is sometimes so quick to react that we miss this crucial self-love step “asking ourselves why we do the things that we do”. In my case the question took my mind by surprise. Within seconds the pain in my chest subsided because I had changed the focus from questioning my friend’s character to understanding the root of my pain: What I truly believed about myself, which at the time was that I wasn’t good enough”
Our world is full of people who outwardly look extremely confident but inwardly continuously question their self-worth. This incident happened a few years ago and I have changed drastically since. I now understand that people’s actions don’t get to determine my worth. Now, I am not saying that feeling left out isn’t a real and valid feeling, I think if it does happen especially with someone you are close; you should voice your need. However, I now have much more control over what my mind may feed me. Moreover, unless you were locked up in a monastery at a young age were you spent most of your life learning to tame your mind I would say there is a pretty good guess that you have also struggle to keep your mind in check; but understanding the root of your pain can bring the clarity you need to heal it.